All the Cool Kids Lay in Bacon Grease While Watching General Conference

Today was the beginning of General Conference. A weekend where we as Latter-Day Saints gather together to listen to the counsel of our prophet and other various leaders. The sessions today were so great. I think it was the first time that I have ever watched them without falling asleep. I am usually so tired, that try as I might I always seem to awaken during the closing hymn needing to wipe the drool off my face. I thought for sure that that was how today was going to go as I was up late last night writing that nonsensical post.

My alarm started going off at 8:30. I always set my alarm a little bit earlier than I need in the hopes that I will actually get up and maybe shower before conference starts so I am not just sitting in my dirtiness all day long. But of course when my alarm goes off I immediately start touching my hair and face and convince myself that I am not that greasy and can keep sleeping. So my alarm kept going off and I kept hitting that snooze button as if it had stolen my lunch money. Five minutes before the the start of Conference my dad comes into my room and says "Hey you gonna watch Conference?" In my head I begin thinking to myself, "I could keep sleeping, after all the Sunday sessions are the important ones, right?" But out loud I just grumble, "I guess so. Where are we watching it?"

He responds, "Your mom and I are just gonna watch it in bed on a laptop." This sparks my memory. I have a laptop literally a foot from my bed on my ottoman. All I would have to do it roll over to watch conference. Of course that was a lot easier said than done. I laid in bed telling myself, "Okay roll over on three. One. Two. Three.... That was a good build up, lets actually roll over this next time." After a little while I finally accomplished my task and had successfully started watching Conference. I thought this was a genius idea. Just watch Conference while laying down in bed. I thought for sure I would fall asleep but figured that was okay because I would be listening while I slept.

At this time my mom came in and asked if I would like some oatmeal and receiving a positive response she returned with a bowl of oatmeal and a few strips of turkey bacon. Usually I hate bacon but have discovered recently that I actually enjoy turkey bacon... weird I know. So here I am bundled up in my bed eating oatmeal and watching Conference like a total queen! I finish my food and move my bowl and paper towel that had been holding my turkey bacon and discover this!
The bacon grease had soaked through and stained my awesome sheets that I am kinda obsessed with because they are so soft and amazing. Not only were my favorite sheets stained but my bed smelled like bacon, which for some people, like my friend Jessie who ate 45 strips of bacon in one sitting as a personal challenge, would love, but I kinda wanted to vomit. However vomiting required me getting out of bed so that didn't happen and I just continued watching Conference in the stench of bacon but I was not happy about it. In fact, I normally would have been like this:


If you can't tell as my artist skills are kinda non-existent, those blobs are flames! Just had to clarify because I wasn't even sure what they were and I am the one who drew them! But as I was saying, I would normally have been like that but as we were watching Conference I felt that I needed to reign it in a bit and was actually a little more like this:


Okay I think this drawing REALLY needs labels. That is a golden halo on my head and have pretty white wings that allow to fly through those soft fluffy clouds... but I am still a little upset as is evidenced by that lovely face! Anyway that was the gist of my story. Conference today. I was super tired. Still managed to watch it and stay awake the whole time! Stained my sheets with bacon grease. Laid in bacon stench for a few hours but was semi-okay with it. I know you guys are thinking "What an amazing story!" and I don't blame you! Anyhoosier I was so proud of myself that I stayed awake for both sessions! Yay! But someone did not!


Of course as soon as the closing prayer was said and done he magically woke up and began stretching. I guess I am just more righteous than him... and humble apparently!

You Would Have to be Crazy or Just REALLY Bored to Read this Whole Thing

So I have been stalking peoples blogs like a crazy person. Not even people that I know because that would be totally normal and not creepy. Stalking all these blogs reminded me that I have a blog that is feeling lost and neglected out there in the world wide web. This realization hit me and I had the sudden urge to post immediately, even though it was 1 in the morning and I really should go to bed in an attempt to get up at a decent time, so that when people call me at 2 in the afternoon I don't sound like cracked out hobo... at least not any more than usual.

I sat there for about 10 minutes thinking about what I could possibly write that would be even remotely interesting and came up with nothing. So I gave it another hour and still came up with nothing. Now here I am at 2 in the morning giving up on my attempt to be a functioning member of society tomorrow in order to write a blog post on absolutely nothing. Yeah, that's right you just wasted all that time reading this and there is no point to it. Sorry. But not really because I am not done yet. You could be done, I guess. If you don't love me enough to listen to me ramble on. Yes, I pulled the, "If you loved me you would do this" card. Moving on to the next pointless topic.
My family is on a diet. We have finally become so disgusted with our obese-ness that we are making our feeble attempts to regain control. It is going alright, some days I do really well and others... well lets just say I wouldn't be opposed to shanking someone with toothbrush for a piece of cake. It always seems the worst at night. Its as if I am two separate people. Daytime Katie usually has control from noon-8pm. Nighttime Katie has control from 8pm-4am. Daytime Katie is so good. I will eat all the right food and tell myself this is so good for you. You are an excellent person. You are so good at taking care of your self, so responsible, and did I mention pretty? I go on like this all day in my head until that lowlife nighttime Katie takes her shift.
It is almost as if someone flips a switch. One minute I will be off in my own la la land about how great I am, an dhow great this diet is and then *BAM* I am huddled in the fetal position in the corner of my room basically foaming at the mouth for my need of baked goods. But as we are on a diet we do not have any baked goods nor the means to make any, so I just sit there foaming at mouth looking wild-eyed. As I sit there I go through a mental list of everything we have in our snack cupboard: giant pixie sticks, trail mix, gum, airheads, 2 year-old fruit gems, my dad's bag of Werthers hard candies. I keep going through the list in my head hoping that I just forgot that I baked a chocolate cake and put it in the snack cupboard.

At around 2am I cave and eat a couple handfuls of my dad's candy huddled in my corner of seclusion. When I awake the next day I don't remember much of what happened the night before having passed out from the sugar overload. I only have the partially sucked on piece of candy in my hair and a blanket of wrappers to remind me. Nighttime Katie, ever the irresponsible drama queen that she is left another mess for daytime Katie to take care of.

Okay so maybe I dramatized that a little bit but it is currently 2:30 in the morning and the drama queen nighttime Katie is well into her shift, so it is to be expected.
Okay this blog post is extremely long. So lets keep going, shall we?
Kristi and I are currently writing a book together. It will be comprised of slightly dramatized stories of our childhood. Not too dramatized though because lets face it, we were crazy. So far Kristi has written nothing and has not even read what I have written. So much for being a famous author! Its not as if she is in her final semester of college dealing with finals and moving back home... oh wait, she is. Never mind then... she will get around to writing in about a week after she graduates! But back to me, I have written a couple chapters. I just need Bozo(Kristi) to hurry up and read them so she can add stuff to them. When we get one of them the way we like it I will post it on here as a sneak preview for all of the 2 people that read my blog... and probably all 0 of you that made it this far into the current post. I don't blame you for not making it this far. It would take a real survivor to have gotten through all that nonsense. Anyways that is all I can think of to write at the moment. I am sure that daytime Katie will look back at this in the tomorrow and curse nighttime Katie for making her look like an idiot... again. Oh well, I am over it. That's her problem.